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the fear.

1:11 am - Friday, March 20

i hate living in fear. it's everywhere and i only recently realised that i am being raised to fear everything. everything is something that should be cautioned. we lock all our doors and our windows and shut at night, we have an alarm system, even an alarm system for when we're asleep. house insurance, life insurance, travel insurance. our back gate, side gate - locked. always.

my mum tells me that, i should be afraid of stragers. specifically -

strangers that look dangerous
strangers who don't look dangerous, they are lurking behind fake normal person masks, just waiting to JUMP OUT AND KILL YOU.
strangers that walk behind you
strangers that walk weirdly slow
strangers that drive too slow next to you
strangers that stop next to you and start looking at maps. even if they ARE driving delivery trucks and it would make sense for them to be looking for directions, THIS BEHAVIOUR IS ODD and must be monitored.
strangers with candy, strangers with guns.
strangers who say hello to you
strangers who are strange.
just STRANGERS.

but mum, imagine if i never talked to anybodyi didn't know. i would probably die of lack of new people in my life. and and and she's made me afraid of the dark, of lightening, of electricity, of animals, of glass, of bushwalking, of needles. standing in front of the microwave. i just can't live like this. i don't want to be afraid of everything around me.

when i have to get something from the kitchen at night, i turn on ALL the lights on the way, and even then i'm scared that if i open the fridge, there'll be some killer sitting there with an eskimo hood with a bazooka. so i open fridge doors slowly and if theres no bazooka man in there, i have a split second of relief and then i turn around and i see that outside it's pitch black and i run, switching off all the lights on the way and close my door and crawl into the sheets because if there's no bazooka man, 40 calliber man is probably hiding in the dark outsid emy house waiting for the perfect angle to penetrate my heart. [ sudden thought, are girls with massive busts harder to kill than others ? ] and then when i get into the covers i have to hum island in the sun to myself because for some reason that's the only song that makes me feel safe and distracts me from the qeuit groaning of the house that would otherwise be INAUDIBLE but in my state of paranoi they scream loudly in my ear and it just HAS to be jack the ripper, standing under my bed with a chainsaw and he's going to hack my to bits from inderneath.

and then i'll fall asleep and i'll be warm and comfortable and i'll move my leg and there's suddly a thud on the wooden floor below me and it is, i know it is this time, that assasin ninja that is out to slice me because his sensei told him of an ancient tale of an evil forked tongue lady and they've mistaken me for her. and again, i lull myself to sleep and wake up to find that my teddy house [ complete with arms and windows and smiles ] had been kicked by my careless foot onto the floor.

now this is most definitly not a common occurance but it's happened once or twice and it sucks. sometimes i just run in and out of the kitchen and it's ok, just a sudden heart race when i see the dark but i don't picture the who and whats. oh and sometimes i hear my dogs dog tags clinking together when he walks around and i think it's one of those bells hat they put on peoples graves ringing. those ones they put just incase the person's alive. then i think zombies. but nothing really makes sense because i don't have a grave in or around my home. but it still creeps the heck out of me. i hate being afraid.

victorchewy